The Fall

So, I fall in love with someone new...

After years trying to move on and stand by myself... I fall again...

I always ask to God, that the next time I fall in love, please with someone that is destined to be mine... But apparently, that someone is not going to be mine.

I met him on 9gag, yes 9gag. It was like a joke when we met on other's people post. I commented, he replied, I replied back... and so on until we decided to talk through 9chat/cookies. We talked a lot then we moved to WhatsApp... We chat, chat, and chat, until we know each other. Until I little by little walked closer to the cliff, the abyss of love. At one point, I realized that I grow something in me, something more, something deeper than just a friendship. I also realized that he doesn't see me that way. I tried to stop walking closer to the cliff... but his soul, his heart attracted me more and more each day. 

One day I suddenly stood in the edge of that deep cliff which has no end... I looked down and since I know myself, If I fall, I will fall down without any wings to help me back up... I was really scared... I was confused because I think I need a miracle for this to happened... for him to like me back. We live far far away... I'm in Jakarta, Indonesia. He's in Queretaro, Mexico. I am a Muslim, he is not. I want more, he isn't... I am willing to compromise, but I don't think he is...

I hate it. I was angry. I wanted to scream. I asked why, why, and why again...

I cried, I couldn't breath sometimes. I was furious by this. If we're not destined to be together, why did we meet? why? why do I have to be in this situation...

And then one day, we talked about something... I honestly didn't remember what was it about, but I voluntarily fell into from the edge of the cliff... I didn't realize it until I felt the urge to hear him, to see him, to meet him, until he appeared in my dreams... and my heart ached because I miss him so much... how come I asked myself... 

and my heart felt the pain more and more everyday

So, I don't want to be confuse anymore. I don't want to waste my time and being tortured by this feeling again. I cried, I thought about it a lot. Then I texted him and poured my feelings to him. I prepared for everything and figured about his answer. But still, when he gave the answer, I felt devastated. I cried the whole day... I wanted to let those sadness out. I couldn't handle it... I couldn't talk to anyone... I listen to the song I gave him that represent my feelings... It was "Christmas Song" by Back Number but the cover version by Kobasolo... 

and now... I realized that this hit me harder than I thought... I cried louder so I had to got out from the house... I went out, drove somewhere far from my house and cried... suddenly one song came up on the radio which represent my feelings exactly. It was painful... but I guess I was able to poured everything for that day... hopefully I'm going to be better tomorrow...

Dear ACY, somebody's me..

Regards,

 

 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~

Two years of my life

I didn't realize it's more than two years since my last post. A lot of things happened for the past two years... I think I made some improvement but also bad things happened...

This year, I finally graduated from my master degree in communication! Oh FINALLY!!! After those long long process... I didn't know it would take years for me to finish this... But nevertheless I am happy and grateful that I got what I want and what I need... The graduation process was tiring but I enjoyed each moment even though I have to spent another sum of money... I hate my school...

Hmmm I am also finally free from my last relationship. At one point I realized 'oh, I didn't think about him that way anymore!' or 'oh man, this is not my problem anymore'. It's funny to think back to the time when I was so in love with him... how much effort that I gave for that relationship to go on... in the end, he's not my 'someone'. So I made peace and let him go... or also because I've met someone new? I will tell the story about that in another post.

Oh one bad thing happened lately... On July, I was diagnosed with tumor inside my uterus. It is a benign tumor but I have to be careful if I don't want to go under surgery. So I do what the doctor asked me to do, restrictive diet. Hopefully the tumor won't grow bigger. It has already made me uncomfortable in doing things. I also had to resign from my full time job because of it... Frustrating but I have to make peace with it. At first I was continuously asking why... but now I understand that Allah wants to show His love for me... how blessed I am right now. Simply feeling grateful for everything... Now I know how much people love me and there for me.. how many people want to help me going through this..

Thank you, Allah. Alhamdulillah...

Regards, 

 

 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~

All I Am

All I Am

by: Heatwave

Who do you think you see when you look at me?

Is it somebody strong? Somebody you could admire

And who do you think I am when I take your hand?

Are you counting on me to fill your dreams and your desires?

Well all I am is lonely just like you

All I want to do is have one dream come true

All I am is handing you my heart

[And] Hoping to be part of you

Who do you think you are standing in the dark?

Are you waiting for me? Why can't I reach you from here?

How do I get to you? Won't you let me through?

Don't you think maybe we have something special to be shared?

Well, all I am is lonely like you

All I want to do is have one dream come true

All I am is handing you my heart

And hoping to be part of you

Here all I am is lonely too 

[All I am is lonely like you]

All I wanna do [is] have one dream come true

All I am is handing you my heart

And hoping to be part of you

All I am...

Lagu ini, entah kenapa muncul dan terngiang-ngiang di kepala gw, di satu pagi saat gw bedrest kemarin... Biasanya kalau ada lagu yang muncul di pikiran, pasti ada alasannya atau berhubungan dengan apa yang gw rasakan dan alami. Seperti kata Psikiater-nya Addison dalam serial Private Practice, "It's never just a song in your head". Berarti ada alasannya kenapa sebuah lagu muncul di kepada kita. Tapi, kali ini sumpah gw gak tahu kenapa...

Ada yang punya ide atau masukan kenapa? Hehehe penasaran nih soalnya...

Well, terlepas dari alasan yang masih gw cari, lagu ini memang enak kok untuk didengar dan liriknya juga bagus. Sekalian nostalgia karena lagu ini dirilis tahun 1980... beuh sebenernya saya belom lahir tahun segitu... hahaha.  Tapi yah biasa deh, tahu lagu-lagu lama dari kaset-kaser koleksi bokap jaman dulu. Selain itu lagu ini juga pernah dinyanyikan ulang oleh salah satu vokalis pria bersuara merdu Indonesia loh! Tebak siapa!

Yup betul! Yana Julio... meski jenis suara yang Yana gunakan beda dengan vokalis aslinya, tapi tetep enak banget untuk didengerin ya... ^^

Regards,



 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~

Miku

Nope, judul postingan ini bukan nama dari karakter Vocaloid yang terkenal banget itu... tapi nama dari anak kucing kami tadi pagi meninggal karena sakit...

Mungkin gw gak pernah cerita sebelumnya, tapi sejak beberapa bulan lalu ada seekor kucing Anggora tetangga yang sering banget main ke rumah. Kucingnya putih banget dan sering kita panggil Fluffy. Karena dia gak nakal, kita jadi suka dan sering kasih makan, sempat malah kita bawa untuk dimandiin... Sayangnya ketika kita minta ke yang punya, mereka gak kasih... Padahal si Fluffy saat itu bener-bener kayak kucing terlantar...

Karena itulah gw terpikir untuk pengen punya kucing lagi. Kucing apa aja boleh asalkan gak nakal dan gak suka gigit. Tiba-tiba ada anak kucing tiga warna yang datang ke rumah. Awalnya, seperti biasa nyokap menolak. Tapi lama-lama nyokap suka karena anak kucing itu (awalnya kita gak mau kasih nama karena takut udah deket trus dibuang lagi sama nyokap) nurut banget, pinter, dan tahu diri. Bokap pun sering ketawa melihat tingkah lucunya Miku.

Ini dia si Miku... warnanya baguuusss bangeeet...

Nah keliatan deh betapa kecil dan imutnya dia...

Awalnya masih skeptis, karena sering kali ada anak kucing yang datang, lalu tiba-tiba kabur aja gitu sama induknya. Tapiii, lama-lama makin sayang dan memutuskan untuk bener-bener merawat dia selayaknya kucing rumahan... She was so cute... karena sama nyokap gak boleh masuk rumah, dia ngerti banget kalo pintu depan terbuka, dia gak masuk. Dia cuma duduk nunggu kita keluar. Kalau dia mau pipis atau pup, dia lari ke pepohonan, jadi gak di lantai atau di tempat dia tidur dan makan. Dia ngerti gak boleh gigit orang setelah sekali dimarahin waktu gigit gw dan Pipi.

Yang paling bikin sayang adalah dia manjaaa bangeet. Apalagi waktu dia mulai sakit, maunya ditemenin terus... 

Dia pasti pengennya deket-deket sama kita....

Brokenhearted banget rasanya ketika Miku mulai sakit. Kayaknya karena dia salah makan dan masih butuh susu dari induknya. Miku cuma tiduran di kotaknya, kalau kita keluarin, dia maunya duduk deket-deket kita. Ditinggal sedikit, dia mengeong sedih... 

Dia tahu dimana harus duduk... Padahal masih kecil
dan belum kita latih ini-itu

Setelah itu Miku seharian gak mau makan, minum susu atau air pun gak. Perutnya sampai kurus banget karena dia Diare dan muntah-muntah.... Besoknya kita bawa dia ke dokter hewan terdekat dari rumah. Dokter bilang Miku dehidrasi dan kurang gizi karena gak makan dan mungkin kurang susu dari induknya ditambahn lagi dengan diare dan muntahnya.... 

Setelah itu dokter kasih infus dan suntik vitamin, dokter juga ajarin gimana cara supaya Miku mau makan dan minum. Kita juga beliin dia obat2an dan makanan untuk rehab plus makanan setelah rehab. Pasir-pun udah kita siapin karena Miku diare plus muntah-muntah. Pokoknya sediiih banget... (T-T)

Siang kita berhasil kasih dia makan dan obat... Tapi pas malam kondisi Miku aneh. Dia gak mau dipegang, gak mau deket-deket siapapun, dan sembunyi di tempat-tempat gelap... Gw udah feeling gak enak, tapi tetep optimis mungkin Miku masih proses penyembuhan lah ya... Ternyata keesokan paginya Miku meninggal di pelukan Pipi... Waktu itu gw cuma bisa menghela nafas pasrah... ya sudah mau apa lagi... ditambah kondisi tubuh gw sendiri tiba-tiba kacau...

Akhirnya Miku dimakamkan tadi pagi sama Pipi dan si Aa... gw cuma bisa diam di rumah menahan sedih... Tapi sungguh ya, malam ini gak bisa tahan. Tiba-tiba rasa sedihnya, kangennya, semuanya memuncak dan gak bisa ditahan lagi... Gw nangis... kejer sendirian di kamar.

I miss Miku...

Never feel this sad losing a cat...

Kenapa ya... ketika gw bener-bener niat untuk merawat kucing yang datang ke rumah, yang mempercayakan dirinya ke rumah, ke tangan gw dan Pipi, malah pergi begitu cepat?

Padahal gw gak pernah sesayang ini sama kucing, gak pernah seniat ini mau ngerawat kucing...

Dear Miku, maaf ya kita gak bisa selamatin kamu. Kita udah usahakan sampai bawa kamu ke dokter dan kasih obat, tapi ternyata kamu tetap pergi... Tapi kamu kucing kecil yang hebat! Bisa bikin kami sekeluarga sayang sama kamu... 

I miss you, will always miss you...

Regards,

 

 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~

One More Time, One More Chance

Setelah udah lama gak posting tentang lagu favorit selain dari Sheila on 7, akhirnya baru inget tentang lagu ini. Lagu soundtrack dari anime movie ini bener-bener menyentuh. Anime-nya bagus, soundtrack-nya bikin garuk aspal. Hahahaha...

Judul animenya 5 Centimeters per Second / Byousoku 5 senchi.

Kalau belum pernah nonton, segeralah nonton! Kisahnya sederhana, sice of life, gak dibuat-buat, tapi dikemas dengan sangat apik dan menarik. Manga-nya juga ada sih, tapi lebih bagus nonton aja karena perasaan para tokohnya tersampaikan dengan baik. Ditambah dengan tampilan grafis dan gambar yang cantik, bikin mata dan perasaan termanjakan. Kalau soal cerita detilnya, gw gak mau singgung sama sekali di sini, supaya yang baca tulisan ini penasaran. Hehehehe...

Baiklaaah... langsung aja deh ya dengerin lagunya... sambil baca liriknya. Sekalian udah ada translate Inggris-nya, biar daleeeem berasanya.

One More Time, One More Chance 

by Masayoshi Yamazaki 

(OST. 5 Centimeters per Second)

Kore ijyou nani wo ushinaeba

Kokoro wa yurusareru no?

Dore hodou no itami naraba

Mou ichido kimi ni aeru?

How much more will I have to lose

Before my heart is forgiven?

How many more pain will I have to suffer

To meet you once again?

One more time

Kisetsuyo utsuro wa naide

One more time

Fuzakeatta jikan yo

One more time

Oh seasons, don't disappear

One more time

The time when we were fooling around

Kuichigau toki wa itsumo

Boku ga saki ni oretane

Wagamama na seikaku ga

Naosara itoshiku saseta

Whenever we argued

I would always give in first, right?

Your selfish nature made me love you even more

One more chance

Kioku ni ashi wo torarete

One more chance

Tsugi no basho wo erabenai

One more chance

The memories stopped my legs

One more chance

I cannot choose my next destination

Itsudemo sagashite iru yo

Dokka ni kimi no sugata wo

Mukai no hommu, rojiura no mado

Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni

I’m always searching

For your figure to appear somewhere

On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane

Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place

Negai ga moshimo kanau nara

Ima sugu kimi no moto e

Dekinai koto wa, mou nani mo nai

Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo

If my wish were to come true

I would be at your side right away

There would be nothing I couldn’t do

I would put everything on the risk and hold you tight, I'll show you

Sabishisa magirasu dake nara

Dare demo ii hazu na no ni

Hoshi ga ochisou na yoru dakara

Jibun wo itsuwarenai

If I just wanted to distract my loneliness

Anybody would have been enough.

The stars seems like it will fall in the night

Which is why i can't lie to myself

One more time

Kisetsuyo utsuro wa nai de

One more time

Fuzakeatta jikan yo

One more time

Oh seasons, don't disappear

One more time

The time when we were fooling around

Itsudemo sagashite iru yo

Dokka ni kimi no sugata wo

Kousaten demo, yume no naka demo

Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni

I’m always searching

For your figure to appear somewhere

Even when I'm crossing a street, even in the midst of my dreams

Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place

Kiseki wa moshimo okoru nara

Ima sugu kimi ni misetai

Atarashii asa, kore kara no boku

Ienakatta “suki” no iu kotoba mo

If a miracle were to happen

I would want to show you immediately

A new morning, who I’ll be from now on

And the words i never said called: "I Love You"

Natsu no omoide ga mawaru

Fui ni kieta kodou

The memories of summer are revolving

The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

Itsudemo sagashite iru yo

Dokka ni kimi no sugata wo

Akedatta no machi, Sakuragi chou de

Konna toko ni kuru hazu mo nai no ni

I’m always searching

For your figure to appear somewhere

At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho

Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place

Negai ga moshimo kanau nara

Ima sugu kimi no moto e

Dekinai koto wa, mou nani mo nai

Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo

If my wish were to come true

I would be at your side right away

There would be nothing I couldn’t do

I would put everything on the risk and hold you tight, I'll show you

Itsudemo sagashite iru yo

Dokka ni kimi no kakera wo

Tabiseki no mise, shinbun no sumi

Konna toko ni aru hazu mo nai no ni

I’m always searching,

For the fragments of you to appear somewhere

At a traveller’s store, in the corner of newspaper

Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place

Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara

Ima sugu kimi ni misetai

Atarashii asa, kore kara no boku

Ienakatta “suki” to iu kotoba mo

If a miracle were to happen

I would want to show you immediately

A new morning, who I’ll be from now on

And the words I never said called: “I Love You.”

Itsudemo sagashite shimau

Dokka ni kimi no egao wo

Kyuukou machi no, fumikiri atari

Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni

I always end up looking

For your smile to appear somewhere

At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass

Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place

Inochi ga kurikaesu naraba

Nando mo kimi no moto e

Hoshii mono nado, mou nani mo nai

If our lives could be restarted,

No matter how many times it will be, I will go back to you

There’s nothing else that I want

Kimi no hoka ni taisetsu na mono nado…

Nothing else is more important than you… 

Regards,



 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~