The Fall

So, I fall in love with someone new...

After years trying to move on and stand by myself... I fall again...

I always ask to God, that the next time I fall in love, please with someone that is destined to be mine... But apparently, that someone is not going to be mine.

I met him on 9gag, yes 9gag. It was like a joke when we met on other's people post. I commented, he replied, I replied back... and so on until we decided to talk through 9chat/cookies. We talked a lot then we moved to WhatsApp... We chat, chat, and chat, until we know each other. Until I little by little walked closer to the cliff, the abyss of love. At one point, I realized that I grow something in me, something more, something deeper than just a friendship. I also realized that he doesn't see me that way. I tried to stop walking closer to the cliff... but his soul, his heart attracted me more and more each day. 

One day I suddenly stood in the edge of that deep cliff which has no end... I looked down and since I know myself, If I fall, I will fall down without any wings to help me back up... I was really scared... I was confused because I think I need a miracle for this to happened... for him to like me back. We live far far away... I'm in Jakarta, Indonesia. He's in Queretaro, Mexico. I am a Muslim, he is not. I want more, he isn't... I am willing to compromise, but I don't think he is...

I hate it. I was angry. I wanted to scream. I asked why, why, and why again...

I cried, I couldn't breath sometimes. I was furious by this. If we're not destined to be together, why did we meet? why? why do I have to be in this situation...

And then one day, we talked about something... I honestly didn't remember what was it about, but I voluntarily fell into from the edge of the cliff... I didn't realize it until I felt the urge to hear him, to see him, to meet him, until he appeared in my dreams... and my heart ached because I miss him so much... how come I asked myself... 

and my heart felt the pain more and more everyday

So, I don't want to be confuse anymore. I don't want to waste my time and being tortured by this feeling again. I cried, I thought about it a lot. Then I texted him and poured my feelings to him. I prepared for everything and figured about his answer. But still, when he gave the answer, I felt devastated. I cried the whole day... I wanted to let those sadness out. I couldn't handle it... I couldn't talk to anyone... I listen to the song I gave him that represent my feelings... It was "Christmas Song" by Back Number but the cover version by Kobasolo... 

and now... I realized that this hit me harder than I thought... I cried louder so I had to got out from the house... I went out, drove somewhere far from my house and cried... suddenly one song came up on the radio which represent my feelings exactly. It was painful... but I guess I was able to poured everything for that day... hopefully I'm going to be better tomorrow...

Dear ACY, somebody's me..

Regards,

 

 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~

Two years of my life

I didn't realize it's more than two years since my last post. A lot of things happened for the past two years... I think I made some improvement but also bad things happened...

This year, I finally graduated from my master degree in communication! Oh FINALLY!!! After those long long process... I didn't know it would take years for me to finish this... But nevertheless I am happy and grateful that I got what I want and what I need... The graduation process was tiring but I enjoyed each moment even though I have to spent another sum of money... I hate my school...

Hmmm I am also finally free from my last relationship. At one point I realized 'oh, I didn't think about him that way anymore!' or 'oh man, this is not my problem anymore'. It's funny to think back to the time when I was so in love with him... how much effort that I gave for that relationship to go on... in the end, he's not my 'someone'. So I made peace and let him go... or also because I've met someone new? I will tell the story about that in another post.

Oh one bad thing happened lately... On July, I was diagnosed with tumor inside my uterus. It is a benign tumor but I have to be careful if I don't want to go under surgery. So I do what the doctor asked me to do, restrictive diet. Hopefully the tumor won't grow bigger. It has already made me uncomfortable in doing things. I also had to resign from my full time job because of it... Frustrating but I have to make peace with it. At first I was continuously asking why... but now I understand that Allah wants to show His love for me... how blessed I am right now. Simply feeling grateful for everything... Now I know how much people love me and there for me.. how many people want to help me going through this..

Thank you, Allah. Alhamdulillah...

Regards, 

 

 ~If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage~